Body changes < > closet changes

Out with the old and in with the new (racks)

My plate has been overflowing in the last 6 months… found out I am BRCA1 this past summer, applied and got into business school, had a prophylactic double mastectomy, did two rounds of egg freezing, worked, shopped, lived my LIFE, etc. It’s been extremely non-stop go go go, and that is my general ethos in life (to get things done and out of the way)—with work, school, relationships—and now with health too.

I’m so close to being done on this health journey with my implant exchange surgery coming up in early May 🍒. After that, I’m done. On a less serious note—but one that of course has taken up a lot of my mind space—I also happen to be DONE with a lot of the clothes that I own because my body has really transformed.

I was a small A before my procedure, known for the tiny b00bs. Right now, I don’t really know what I am. Once I have my exchange surgery I think I’ll probably land at a full B, but I’m in this weird in-between period and some clothes just don’t feel right anymore. A big reason for this is that my chest is totally numb so clothes just don’t feel like anything when they are on. I will literally wear a tank top and and my entire b00b will be out (CANNOT be doing this in class when I go to school lmao could you imagine).

For the past several years, whenever en route to my boyfriend’s apt, I would walk past Elie Saab on 70th and Madison and always stop at the window. They have INCREDIBLE tdf dresses, specifically plunging gowns. I am constantly snapping pics of the dresses in the windows. Before this surgery, I could get away with wearing anything (besides anything with built in cups like those Zimmermann dresses, side note why does every Zimmermann dress have a huge built in cup lol). I would always picture myself in these gowns, but I suddenly stopped daydreaming when I walk past Elie Saab 😢. A kind of magic has disappeared since I don’t feel connected with my body #sad.

It’s literally giving Girl in the Green Scarf in terms of my obsession with Elie Saab

I looked at my own closet and felt disconnected. I had a feeling I would get this way even before my procedure, so I mentally prepared myself to do a huge overhaul of my clothes. It also gave me something concrete to focus on during recovery, but it was genuinely necessary. I went through my bathing suits first (about half had to go), then dresses, then tops. Since I am also gearing up for business school in the fall, I am trying to generally elevate things—less smiley pink sparkly everything (though I’m not cutting that out entirely). Just finding a better balance.

A few things I discovered/rediscovered in the process:

Bathing Suits: Last summer I started to wear a lot more one pieces suits because they feel more practical, but I was always scared of wearing a one piece because of the tan line situation...I genuinely just feel so much more put together and elegant in a one piece, and it turns out that it’s one pieces that I feel most comfortable in now. I think there may be something here, so I’m going to keep chewing on this whole one piece concept. I said goodbye to my Oséree glitter micro bikini (it was a moment, and that moment is over) + my Brazilian bandeau bikinis and recently purchased an Anemos suit (courtesy of the Cake Members, I got it 70% off from Casalina).

Zadig and Voltaire silks. Specifically because they’re washable, which matters a lot me re: school and not wanting my entire wardrobe to be on a dry clean schedule. I bought a style called Kip Camisole and then went down a rabbit hole on TRR and ThredUp and found a ton of them.

Bras! I owned 2 bras before my surgery that were actually functional and probably 12 “show” bras that were pretty (Agent Provocateur, Journelle, etc.). My favorites right now are from Skims (fav by far, Fits Everybody Lace Scoop Bralette has my heart and wallet), Only Hearts, Coucou Intimates. To hammer the point home, I LOVE Skims. I also ended up buying a lot of tops from there and they’re great.

Renting. This whole period has been a reminder of why renting actually makes sense. My chest size has changed four or five times, although ever so slightly (I started with literally nothing). I still wanted to look good and wear things that felt right in the process, but I didn’t know what I was working with, so I fell back on ol’ reliable Rent the Runway.

Nixed Selling on TRR: Daylight mf’ing robbery, everyone knows it. One thing I tried for the first time this round: instead of sending everything to the TheRealReal (which I have begrudgingly done for years despite knowing they are stabbing me in the back), I reached out to a gal named Grayson Begier who a friend Emma Gray mentioned on Instagram months ago. She is a closet pro—she comes to your house, helps you figure out what to keep and what to let go, handles pricing, and sells on commission. She came over yesterday and it was SUCH a good experience. Organized, thoughtful, kind. That’s exactly what it’s supposed to feel like. I’ll definitely have her back, and I am sticking my tongue out at TRR for all of the times it screwed me over. Highlights of my time with Greyson yesterday: I said goodbye to my Nensi Dojaka black mini dress and Dion Lee red silk corset top, each with tiny itty bitty cups that simply won’t work.

A snippet of the work of a closet genius

I don’t entirely know what my body will look like in a few months. I know it will look really good since I have an incredible surgeon who I trust entirely, but I’m operating in a limbo right now that has me confused. I’ve been posting on TikTok throughout this experience to hopefully help other women who are going through this process. I realized that there are so many thousands of women who have this same exact experience, and it’s never really talked about! More to come.

xo,

Paige